


I Know Him (and he's like a hurricane)

by pocketsundere



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, main characters deal with these btw, mentions a bunch of other characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketsundere/pseuds/pocketsundere
Summary: Sad boys pining over each other. It's so sad, man.(Jamilton colegue au, ya know the drill. So much angst, but so much gay)





	1. Before The Hurricane

**James**

James knew Thomas like the palm of his own hand. They went to the same high school and lived only six houses away from each other.

He guessed he could call it being "best friends" as far as social interactions go, but he had never been too keen on the matter. And maybe that's why they clicked very well; they both lacked social skills and prefered a nice chat with each other than attending to the usual house parties the jocks used to throw, which are now fraternity boys.

They both got accepted in the law department at King's college as two enterprising young men and not-soon-to-be, top quality lawyers. Thomas wouldn't stop talking about things that James was aware of: like the fact that Thomas Jefferson didn't like to make any friends ("of course, Jemmy. You're the exception." "How wonderful.") Or how, as his exception, he had to take care of the messy diet he had back in high school.

Yes, he was a sophisticated lad, the best fit for such a description. But in finals week, he used to pass out due to the lack of sleep and only drinking Mountain Dew and eating instant Macaroni. So before they left Virginia, Thomas' Mom asked to take care of him while they were away. Needless to say, Jemmy sighed and nodded.

The first months at King's were going smoothly, perhaps a bit too much. James started to suspect of it when he saw Thomas and a guy that was too short to be considered a functioning adult, discussing in the caffeteria about America's debt plan and general economy on the late 1700's. Both fellas had already gathered a crowd, and most of the entrepeneurs were filming the entire thing.

Despite the fact of it being an interesting social convention on its totality, that's not what caught his attention. Thomas smirked through the entirity of the gremlin's speech, who was yelling directly at his face. Thomas looked pleased and made it obvious with a bite of his lower lip when his counter-part was done. Thomas almost never laughed, except when they were watching _The Brady Bunch_ or laughed at one of Adams' stupid antics.

He wore the same expression those first months, as he came to Jemmy's room to catch up on each others day's (except friday, for some reason.) James prefered not to make anything out of it and be happy that his friend was comfortable at King's college.  
But now he was confused as to what was exactly the source of Thomas' behaviour. It wasn't until that very same day, which so hapoened to be friday, late at night, when he came with his melanin messy as it could ever be, shirt bottoned up incorrectly and a troubled expression across his face.

James looked at him vaguely, taking a sip of his coffee mug.

"Is your roommate around?" Thomas asked in a huff.

"No, he went to the movies with his girlfriend."

He sighed in what it seemed to be relief. "Good, because I'm in trouble, Jemmy. I think I've done messed up."

"What did you do, Thomas?"

Thomas sat down in Burr's leather couch. "I think I'm in love."

**Thomas**

_None of this was intentional, it just sort of happened._

Basically that's the only thing that he kept on his mind as soon as he started to feel attracted to a certain human disaster named Alexander Hamilton. He doesn't know why, but when they first made eye contact he felt instant connection, the guy smiled and picked up a string of his hair that was falling from his extremely messy bun and put it right behind his ear. A second later, the man looked away and bit the eraser on the top of his pencil.

 _Is that guy flirting with me?_ Thomas thought as he processed the moment over and over and analized it, in search for some sort of hidden message. The guy was short and had eye-bags that somehow went along with his height. Thomas had to admit; he was cute, and he wouldn't mind flirting a little bit longer after class. Maybe going further than that, he was feeling quite bold today. Those eyes almost set him on fire.

But his first impression was destroyed as soon as the guy opened his mouth to interrupt a british exchange student who was sharing his perspective on monarchy with the rest of the class.

"I am, by no means, saying that Britain isn't at fault. I'm just stating the fact that they give us such a hard time when it has been over 200 years since the revolution, with that in-"

Then he heard goatee guy sigh dramatically and stand up, walking towards the student, whose hands started fidgeting on the spot. "I'd love for this speech to continue, Professor Washington. But if people in the class are going to act all innocent and bullshit their way through a speech, I'd rather flush my head down the toilet multiple times."

The whole room went silent, and Thomas couldn't do a lot about the guy's harsh words but to roll his eyes and stare somewhere else.

A student in a purple shirt coughed behind Thomas, breaking the ice as he stood up. "With all due respect, Alexander. You didn't let Samuel finish, therefore...you just gave him a reason as to why he's right."

"Burr, I'm just asking for a civilized debate. Drop the nicecities."

_Oh, so that's Jemmy's roommate. He seems like an ass-kisser._

"Nothing against you, Seabury. But history wasn't written for it to be erased. The country you're living in has done a lot of problematic stuff, but we acknowledge it. How about you do the same, hmm?" As Alexander gave him a nice fake-smile, Samuel was a human pool; sweating and looking around like a lost puppy.

That made Thomas crack up out loud. His confidence won over his long-ass anxiety. "Yeah _right_. More like we throw it under the bus and pretend it never happened."

The entire class fixed their eyes on him. He cleared his throat with a new found arrogance. "Jefferson. _Thomas Jefferson_."

He stood up between Seabury and Alexander, crossing his arms as calmly as possible. He pointed at Samuel with his usual laziness. "This guy was only stating a simple fact and you not only _shit_ all over his speech when he wasn't even done yet, but also come here telling horseshit that you probably pulled out of your ass. Seems to me like you were just talking to impress and nothing else. This whole thing, Mr. W. Is a waste of time. If I were you I'd tell _Goatee-Mcgee_ to fuck off to the bathroom until he calms down so we can continue with the class, thank you very much."

Nobody applauded, but he looked around and knew that they were mentally doing so. He went back to his seat before Mr. Washington said anything to him. And _oh boy_ , did he feel pleased when Alexander was told to 'take a walk'. A guy followed him a minute after, which made his stomach twist with anxiety.

Was humilliation necessary? The guy looked like he wasn't having a nice day; even when their eyes flirted in a silent dance, Thomas knew he was as tired as humanly possible. He could tell by the dark circles under his eyes and how annoyed he got as soon as Seabury mentioned Britain having a hard time.

Should he apologize after class? Sometimes his arrogance got the best parts of him and made him look like an asshole. The fact that he came from Virginia, Monticello only emphasized the statement.

After class, he walked out of the room quickly and not a second after he caught Hamilton speaking with Seabury in a corner. _He's apologizing, fuck_. Thomas thought as he paid attention to Alexander's every move.

The Virginian stepped into his direction as soon as he was done talking to Samuel. He cleared his throat in a soft manner, loud enough to catch Hamilton's attention though. "Hey, Hamilton."

He saw Thomas and crossed his arms not a second after. ( _That's fucking hilarious, dear lord, keep it together, Jefferson_.) "Well if it ain't the rep-wrecker, Thomas Jefferson."

Thomas giggled shortly. "Should put that in my resumé."

"How charming of you. What do you want?", Alexander frowned and stepped closer to him.

The sudden closeness made him scratch the back of his neck with well-hidden panic. "Just wanted to make sure we were cool. You know you acted like an asshole back there and I just had to call you out."

Silence drowned their conversation for a couple of seconds before Hamilton relaxed his body and imitated Thomas' nervous movements. "Yeah, I was. My emotional state got the best of me, but you were a dickhead as well."

"But...you see, I'm a dickhead 24/7, you've got no excuses."

His comment made Alexander laugh out loud. "Witty dickhead, that's more like it. I've read some of your essays...they're quite impressive."

"You read my work? _My, my_...Was that the reason why you were giving me that frisky look when the class was starting?"

"Yes."

He raised an eyebrow flirtingly. "Straight to the point. I like it."

Hamilton rolled his eyes in what seemed like annoyance. "I'm gonna bust your bubble right now. Even though you have good redaction and an extensive vocabulary, your opinions are still shit. Don't think that you're saved because you happen to be attractive. I'm gonna destroy you, Jefferson."

"Can't wait."

And just like that, the man walked out on him. _Well, this is going to be interesting._

**Alexander**

It was on the second day of college when Eliza broke up with him. He saw it coming, of course, after all the rumors that he and Maria Reynolds were banging came to light, Alexander didn't really think life was going to be easy. Even though the entire thing was fake, he didn't even bother trying to clean up his name, last time he tried to do so, he burned an hypothetical forest down to ashes.  
Eliza and him were having problems way before the scandal or the tragedy after took place,. Alexander was drowning in self-loathing and didn't pay enough attention to realize that the spark that was there at one point had died out long ago. He knew things weren't going smoothly; he behaved coldly in her presence and ended up avoiding her most of the time to write and try to get that awful monster out of his back.

It didn't work, but that was redundant to even mention...right?

His eyes met with brown ones at the last block he had of classes before he could go to his dorm and work himself til' exhaustation. Thomas Jefferson was hot as fuck. Really though, as he stared at him and his facial details, he felt flustered and had to look away. _Maybe making out with him a little bit back in my dorm could do me some good. Who cares if I feel like shit in the afterwards? I'll let future Alex deal with that shit._

But no, the man had to tell him the harsh truth and make him feel even more shitty than before. Maybe giving a shit about everything is what made him a depressed mess. Maybe he should fuck off to somewhere else like Jefferson told him to. Maybe he should shut up. Or simply disappear.

He ran to the bathroom, following Washington's order, and had a panic attack right there. His hands were shaking like crazy and as he tried to breathe, he locked himself in the first stall he found unoccupied.

He heard a knock on the door of said stall around a minute after. He was crying silently at that point, but knew who it was from the other side and that they could hear him.

"Alex, open the door, please? It's John."

Alexander took a deep breath and unlocked the door. "Why am I such a shithead, John?"

"Hell no, don't treat yourself like that. I'm here, I'm right here. It's all okay now, so don't do anything stupid."

They hugged fiercely, perhaps, for way too long, like they always did. And Alex dared to sob into his neck. Both of them just sat there, with the door locked behind them and holding each other close as if their lives depended on it.

"I brought you some tissues. I thought you may need them." John whispered, giving him a short smile.

"My hero."

He apologized to Seabury right after the bell rang. Alexander was very good with persuading but this time around, he felt bad for intimidating him and ruining his speech. "I'm sure it was a great speech, I wish my anger hadn't gotten the best of me."

"Oh dear, don't worry about it too much. I understand the circumstances you're in at this very moment. May I suggest counseling?"

"College counselors would probably send me to a mad-house, so no thanks."

Seabury giggled. "I should've known. Alexander, I hope you feel better soon. I'll see you around."

"Thank you for being so understanding. And yes, see you around."

Samuel patted him in the back and left shortly after. He sighed, feeling sleepy after a good cry. He was only human after all.

Alexander's eyes drifted away till they met with Jefferson's for the second time that day. He observed as the man walked towards him, making all his senses wake up at once as if he had drank the instant coffee he had hidden in his bedroom.

After challenging Jefferson, he felt a little better about himself. The need to write came back to him as a strike of lightning in the middle of a storm. Every day of that week, he looked forward to debate with Thomas until their friends pulled them apart at the caffeteria. And the weeks turned into months, and he'd wake up knowing that there was someone waiting for him, or more like, waiting to get his ass destroyed.

Then they texted each other at night, continuing that compelling bickering that he honestly couldn't get enough of. Jefferson had a peculiar sense of humor and respected Alexander's personal space, so their relationship was formented on the sole purpose of annoying the crap out of each other.

Thomas said goodnight with an annoying poop emoji at 10:28 on a friday night, Alexander sighed and suddenly had an urge to take a shower. He got naked quickly and wrapped a towel around his waist. His face muscles hurt from smiling too much. _What is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me at all?_

" _Mon ch_ _éri_ , I dunno what is happening 'ere", Gilbert stared in awe and pointed his hand at Alexander, who was turning the shower on. "But whatever it might be, don't let go of it. I'm tired of telling you that your scent is not as exquisite as your _'andsome_ face."

Alexander bit his lip softly. "We'll see how it goes."

**James**

He coughed furiously. Not on purpose, but as a signal that he was about to get sick yet again. "What do you mean, _you're in love_?"

"Okay, maybe...not 'in love'. " Thomas remarked his statement by using his fingers as inverted commas. "But I caught feelings, Jemmy. And...I'm possitive that it's not mutual."

"...Well, who is it?"

Thomas hesitated for a mili-second. "Don't laugh."

"Just tell me, Thomas. I'm not a love-guru."

"It's that guy I'm always fighting with. Alexander Hamilton? The guy that came from Central-America? You know, the one that-"

James cut him off before he coukd start to profess his inconditional love with a sonnet. "I know who he is, Thomas. My question is... _Why_? Why would you _even_ -?"

Thomas stood up and started walking in circles. "Yes! I know, Jemmy! I'm out of my _goddamn_ mind! He stands for everything I'm against of! He is loud, obnoxious, really can't shut his mouth to save his life! And still...I-"

"You what?"

" _I can't stop thinking about him._ "

With that statement, he sat down in the same position he had a couple of minutes ago and buried his face on his hands. "Help a brother out, Jemmy."

"Let's start from the beginning, how did this mess start?"

Thomas let out a breath and focused his eyes on the floor. "We got paired in an assigment for Washington's class. And we set up a meeting in the library. Dude didn't show up, so I called Gilbert, who happens to be his roommate. He didn't answer -that french fucker- he was probably doing some kinky shit with his hobby-"

"Skip the details, Thomas, for the love of god."

"-Then I called His friend with the freckles, Laurens. The one that looks like Jesus? Yeah so...I called him, and the dude didn't answer and I got really mad, but then he sent me a text saying that he was with Alex on the men's bathroom back at the dorms. And I got a little pissed off, thinking like: ' _Is he trying to make me jealous? Cause he's good_ ' you know?

Anyway, I wasn't going to come at first but _Goatee-Mcgee_ sends me a text that reads ' _come_ ' with a question mark at the end, and I was a dead man. Like, _boom_...dead. I had to go. So I ran like Tom Hanks in _Forest Gump_ and I knocked on the door, and his friend opened and gave me a nasty South-Carolinan frown. Alexander told him that he told me if I could come. And I did. Because of my grade, _you know_?"

"What a mess."

"Jemmy, I'm not done. I love this next part."

James gave an exhasperated sigh and told him to go on.

"So Laurens let me in, and it was so awkward. Then, Alexander told Laurens to piss off kindly because he wanted to tell me something in private. It was just to tell me that he wasn't mentally stable to do an essay at the moment, and basically begged me to talk to Washington for him."

"What did you say?"

" ' _Fuck, no._ ' "

"No wonder you're a ladies man."

"Hang on, Jemmy, that's not it. I told him ' _Fuck, no. I wanna know who pissed on your soup_.' Because...I was worried, alright? I was taking care of my nemesis, usual business. Then _he_ told me to fuck off! That I was the last person he wanted to talk to! That I didn't care about him, and that we're always fighting anyways! And we stood there in pure silence, and I could sense that he was falling apart so...I gave him a hug, and told him to calm down. I said 'H _ey, man. I think I'm done being your nemesis, we're frenemies now._ ' He laughed. It was so _beautiful_ , who knew he could be _so_ -"

"Thomas, stop rambling and get to the point, please?"

"Oh, yeah. So, he spilled the beans. He told me _everything,_ and I comforted him. Man, his life is a living nightmare, you have no idea. Jemmy, the guy is a fighter. When he was done, I invited him to a nearby bar and he agreed to come. We've been going to this bar for the past three months. I have been walking him to his room every friday night, and I came here right away after we almost kissed. Yeah...I think that's it."

James looked at his friend with a frown on his face. "Why didn't you two kiss?"

"Because I panicked, told him good night and ran like hell, now I'm here."

" _My god_ , you're an idiot."

"Yes, pretty much." Thomas agreed with a nod that was full of shame. "I guess I shattered my own ilussion."

James sat next to him and held his hand. "What a fucking moron you are."

As Thomas held his hand back, James knew that his friend had it bad for that gremlin.

**Gilbert**

He found Alexander in their kitchen, eating cold poptarts and staring at the horse calendar that was hunged on their fridge.

" _Mon chéri_ , why the long face?" Lafayette asked as he rubbed his eyes.

Alexander sighed and took a bite of his poptart. "Not in the mood for horsing around, Gil."

They stared at each other and smirked. Gilbert ended their short distance as he stood next to his friend, rubbing his back. Alexander moaned dramatically which made him laugh with a raspy voice.

"Your date with Thomas didn't go as expected, my darling?"

"For the last time, we are not _dating_! These meetings aren't _dates_."

Gilbert scratched the top of his head. "Well...maybe that's why you're so upset? Is it not?"

Alexander froze on the spot and hid his eyes behind his thin fingers. _Bullseye_.

"Laf, I'm about to tell you something that can't ever be shared with any of our friends, you get it? Not even with Herc. This is between you and me."

Gilbert nodded slowly. "I promise, _mon chéri_. 'ow d'you say? Pinky promise or something."

They raised their pinkies and intertwined them with each other's. Alex stared at Gilbert nervously. "Gil, gimme a moment...this is hard for me to even say, bare with me."

"Take your time, my love."

"Okay, thank you." Alexander took a breath and slowly let it out before looking up and meeting Lafayette's gaze. "You know how after we go to the bar, sometimes Thomas crashes here and drinks coffee with us before he goes to his dorm?"

"Yeah, it seems strange that 'e is not 'ere tonight." Gilbert noted, getting even more excited than his natural self.

"So, what happened tonight is that I thanked him for everything he has done for me. And I hugged him...for like...a whole minute. And then I just...sort of-"

"You sort of...?"

"Ah, damn it. After we hugged, we just stared at each other. The moment was so intense, Laf! So I leaned in to...y'know...kiss him and he freaked out, I guess."

"Now, why would you kiss 'im? If I recall correctly, last week you called 'im 'an old sack of dogshit'." Even though the comment was a bit rough, Gilbert's eyes shined with glee through all of it.

" _Because_...because I needed to."

Gilbert gave him a knowing look. " _Oh_? You needed to, _mon chéri_?"

"Don't be like that with me, Gilbert. I need your help! You know Thomas very well, right? Please, help me! I am ruined."

"Okay...okay, _monsieur_. Calm down first, what is it that you so desperately want from me?"

Alexander walked across the room with a troubled expression on his face. "Help me. I need- I need to stop yearning for him, thinking about him...it's so wrong, stupid, and one-sided! I'm broken enough already, Gil! I promised myself that I wouldn't fall for-"

Gilbert, at this point, just wanted to hug Alexander and tell him that falling in love again was exactly what he needed. Thomas was shy but such a sweet gentleman, he lacked all the thing that Alexander had. And he just happened to be as broken as the poor boy was.

He hugged Alexander instead of telling him the things that were evident to his own eyes and let him sob, just like he has done a million times before. He caressed his hair in a motherly way as he whispered, "It's okay, _mon petit lion_. Let it all out, I'm 'ere for ya."

Now his mind had only one goal. He needed his friend happy. He needed the old Alexander to be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading this mess


	2. Into The Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they might sort their shit out in this chapter, who knows.

**James**

At certain points, James prefered the caffeteria over the library. Sometimes the latter was full of chatter and insufferable gossip. There is only so much a man can take, teen shenanigans happen to be one of the few things Jemmy can barely stand.

The other thing was happening right now, as Thomas pretended he was interested in Angelica Schuyler's constant intimidation, and banter against the patriarchy.

"I'm only saying, honey. You didn't mention the-"

Thomas looked right into her eyes. "Don't call me honey."

James wanted to laugh at the entire situation. To be precise, at how much his friend has grown over these months. When they were kids, Thomas would never speak his mind or talk back; he used to let people insult him and take advantage of his abilities. He had progressed so much, but at the end of the day, he was still Thomas Jefferson, asshole extraordinaire and his best friend.

"Now, there's no need to be rude."

"Yeah, right." Thomas laughed and looked at James. "You hear this gal? Thinking that I didn't see how you were yelling at Alexander ten minutes ago...and now bitch-talking me about a paper that _I_ wrote without even knowing _my_ ideals or the things I stand for? How am I supposed to have a civilized talk with you, Mrs. Schuyler?"

Jemmy took a bite of his sandwich and nodded softly. "Angelica, I do suggest you leave Thomas out of this rant of yours. He happens to be a feminist and an activist on said matter. I had to go with him to a couple of protests, along with his mother and sister."

"Mama ain't raise no fool. Now, beat it." Thomas waved his hand aggressively and continued to read his copy of _Crime & Punishment._

Angelica sighed, Jemmy looked at her for only a second and could tell that she was sad, or a very good actress. "I am sorry for approaching you this way, I had no idea about any of it. May I ask though...what does Alexander have anything to do with this?"

Thomas put his book aside and cleared his throat. "I am his friend. Yeah, _I know_ , hard to believe, right? 'Cause we're always at each other's throats. But I'm his friend and I'm tired of seeing him depressed over some stupid rumour-"

"How do you know it's a-"

"Oh, _honey_. He told me everything. So I rec you leave him alone if you don't want to have any problems with me, got it? _He don't need nobody spitting on his face_."

Angelica stood up and left like a queen on a red carpet. When she was out of sight, Thomas bursted in laughter. "Oh, Jemmy. Did you see her face when I used my hood accent?"

The sides of his lips curled into a smile, still amused. "You should've seen mine."

"Man, I'm good." His friend sighed as his giggles died out. "Still, I haven't spoken to him since friday night."

"Do you intend to?"

Another sigh left his mouth. "I...don't know. I mean, I'm crazy about him and all of that, _but_...-"

"...Your social skills are working against you."

"Yeah, Jemmy. I think that's it."

They ate in peace for the next five minutes, that was until Thomas' phone vibrated against the table. He picked up the phone not a second later and looked at it.

"Something important came up?"

"Yeah, _shit_." Thomas said as he put his belonging back in his backpack. "Gotta go, Jemmy."

"Thomas, what's going on?"

He gave his friend a short look. "Laurens just texted me."

**John**

He heard a knock on the door and knew exactly who it was. John was surprised, honestly, there were two reasons as to why he was feeling this way:

1) He found his long-time best friend, Alexander, in the bathroom with his nose broken, laying on the floor with the very known fetal position. His face was covered in blood and he was just so quiet; not even breathing heavily like he always did. There was a silence filled with violence and grief. His friend was broken enough to harm himself. Alexander literally went to the bathroom to push his head against the wall til they both turned red.

John was heartbroken, seeing his friend in this much pain.

He brought him some cold water and put it in his hands as he sat by his side. "Feel it, Alexander, it's cold... right? Can you tell?"

Alexander nodded weakly. John then dedicated his time to clean the blood off his friend's face. Alexander's body relaxed as time passed by, but he still wouldn't talk.

He needed help and no, he didn't think about calling Hercules or Gilbert. In his mind were curls and hideous magenta shirts. John sent him a quick text, specifying that Jefferson should come as fast as possible. "Your favorite Virginian is coming to get you, Boo."

Alex looked at him in shock. "You called Washington?"

John laughed and held his quivering hand without his consent. "No, silly. Jefferson is on his way...may take him a while though."

2) Three minutes later, he opened the door for Jefferson, who was out of breath and had a worried expression all over his face.

"Where is he?!"

He frowned, even more confused than he was before. He pointed at Alexander's general direction. _Did he run to get here? Wowsies_.

Jefferson sat down next to Alexander and hugged his own knees. "Hey, buddy. How you holding up?"

Alex sat still, with not a single word coming out of his mouth. He hid his face between his thighs. Silent, always silent. "Hey, man. Can I hold your hand?"

Alexander shook his head continously. Jefferson smiled with such tenderness, John had never seen the guy smile or even express affection towards anyone. "Guess I'll have to buy you dinner first, huh?"

Alexander finally raised his head, then they looked at each other with expectancy. John backed up a little bit, thinking the moment was starting to be more intimate. _What exactly is going on between these two?_

"You fucking hothead. Look at you, bleeding and shit. You know, for your health, you gotta stop these six hour speeches. Last time, that Burr fuck ratted on you, remember?"

Jefferson was pushed playfully by Alexander. John fixated his sight on his friend and noticed a tiny smile on his lips. He watched as Alexander rested his head on Jefferson's shoulder, whispering something he didn't quite hear.

"Me too." Jefferson said, with an out-of-character smile. "So...we up for King's Bar tomorrow?"

Alexander distanced himself and nodded. Jefferson raised his hand a little bit and Alex held it, tight enough for his dark-skinned knuckles to turn white. Then, John watched them as they drifted away into comfortable silence.

He swore he heard Alexander sob at last, right into Thomas' neck. Jefferson was bold enough to start caressing Alex's greasy hair and hug him tightly as he assured him his affection. John was sure this was some sort of Jefferson doppelganger, because since when-? And why Alexander, out of all people? Didn't they, like, _hate each other_?

His eyes grew wider as he saw the apparent doppelganger push his lips softly against Alexander's bruise. "...Sorry, does it still hurt?"

His friend smiled through the tears. "No, It's fine."

"That's my man."

 _There is definetely something going on between these two_. John thought, as he watched them with certain jealousy that he wouldn't admit having out loud. _And I'm sure they're not even aware of it._

John swallowed his feelings and put the tissues he had brought for Alexander aside. _I'll leave you to it, then._

**Thomas**

He had been grinning for the past hour, fixing his melanin even though he knew it was hopeless to do so. He stared at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror whilst trying to calm himself down and not worry over such simple things. _Calm down, it's not a date. It's just me and him, going out to a bar in the aftermath of our almost-kiss. Damn, I'm stupid._

" ** _I've missed you_**."

Alexander whispered those words to him yesterday, right into his ear. Thomas blushed and smiled at him, saying that he missed him too.

He could see himself falling in a pit he swore he would never ever lay his eyes upon. Alexander crawled his way into Thomas' heart without having a clue about what that consequences would be; Those touches that were filled with need and longing, desperate yet silent longing, and the way Alexander would stare at him with a look that was reserved just for him: eyes shining for him and him only. He would stare at the Virginian in such a way in a middle of an argument and Thomas would reply by giving him a flirty look. That's all the dared to do, because that's how cowards in love acted.

He heard someone behind him. He raised an eyebrow as he realised who it was. "Adams, what the hell are you doing?"

John finally moved enough for him to show up at the reflection too. "I should say the same thing about you. What in the shit are you wearing?"

"It's a magenta jacket."

"It's _tacky_."

Thomas snapped at him. "I didn't ask for your advice."

"Alrighty, then. Good luck with your Willy Wonka cosplay."

 _Goddammit_. He took the jacket off and dropped it at the headboard of his bed. He put a dark blazer instead, thinking that maybe this wasn't the best ocassion to dress to impress your date, especially when said date uses hoodies as a fashion statement-

 _Wait, no...no. This isn't a date. It just slipped_...Fuck, how was he going to make it through the night if he kept acting like a goddamn fool?

"One, two, three-" he whispered as he put his forehead against the cold surface of the bathroom mirror. _Don't panic, take it easy...it's just Alexander, right?_

**_Right?_ **

His mind wandered off to their sixth friday night on the bar; which was crowded, even more so than other times, it gave Thomas a whole deal of anxiety. This was a different type of anxiety though, the kind where he'd do anything in his power to hide it which only made it worse.

"Jefferson,...are you okay?" Alexander had asked him back then.

"Y-yeah, cool as a cucumber."

Alex gave him a look that night. He looked at Thomas as if he wanted to say something back but kept everything to himself for the Virginian's sake. Instead of words coming out of his mouth, he reached for Thomas' hands and Thomas, as an act of self-defense, pulled his own inside his pockets and stood up, running to the bathroom.

_Is this whole thing based on pity? We pity each other...is that why we're starting to get along so well? There's no attraction, no feelings, no nothing. We're two broken assholes who need to feel whole again._

The bathroom had a queue line outside of both men and women's door, he noticed with a mere look. Right after, he hurried outside and took a deep breath. Then the tears started to come out. "Fuck, okay. One, two, _three_ -"

He sat in the cold paviment and isolated himself from the rest of the world. _What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't handle a big crowd? Pathetic, you useless piece of_ -

His thoughts were interrupted by the warm feeling of a finger tracing lines against his jacket. He knew it was Alexander, and he thanked him quietly for not saying a word. He literally couldn't speak at that time to save his life.

"You know what it is?" He heard his raspy voice so near he felt like he could touch it.

Thomas shook his head and looked at him in the eye. "...Hey"

"... _Hi_ " Alex replied, in an awkward yet cute manner.

"Do it again?... _P-please_?"

And so he did, pressing his finger lightly against the fabric of Thomas' clothes. "A...cross?"

" _Bingo_! What does it remind you of?"

Thomas snorted as he started to calm himself down. "Church. I used to go every sunday afternoon with my mom and aunt. They're both extremely catholic, I don't think I can put myself in the same category though."

"...Is your mom cool?"

"Yeah, coolest mom ever. A bit conservative but fights for human rights on a daily basis."

Alexander nodded against his shoulder, he was holding onto his left arm for dear life. Thomas swore he didn't fall a little bit for him right then. Not at all. Not even one bit. "She sounds cool, cooler than you, at least."

"Rude." Thomas noted, his face shining as he gave Alexander a smile.

Alexander took his hand without his permission and squeezed it tightly. "Wanna get high? We can come back to my room...I already texted Laf, he's making mojitos. We can talk about our project and he can help us build the conclusion. You can't say no to this, Jeff. _I know you_."

They looked at each other as if the rest of the world was boring enough to not give two shits about it. _I wanna kiss you so bad_ , Thomas had thought as he glanced at him.

He didn't kiss him that night, he just smiled as enamored as he could be. "Sounds like fun"

Alexander was waiting for Thomas outside of the bar by the time he arrived. The immigrant was wearing a grey hoodie with a black K and a crown hanging on top of the letter, which was the symbol of their college. The messy bun was a perfect match to this "in-debt college student" look he was pulling. And the band-aid on top of his very bruised nose made him look like a guy you didn't wanna mess with. _You totally mess with him though, you get off from it_ , whispered his brain when they met face to face.

_Shhh, not now._

"We're supposed to have rain later." Alexander told him  instead of saying hi, "...According to the weather girl from channel four."

"She's cute. Let's hope she's not right though." Thomas added, awkwardly. He bit his lip as he stared at Alexander, who seemed just as nervous as him.

Alexander frowned at him. " _What_?"

"What? What is it?"

"...You're just staring at me, Thomas. It's kind of creeping me out."

He sighed before replying. "You seem annoyed with me being around. Want me to leave? We can always-"

Then Alex held his hand and stared at the pavement. " _No_ , that's not it. You got it all wrong,...just... _look_ -"

The man grabbed Thomas by the shoulders and pointed at the window. Thomas searched for something out of place or the source that may have caused Alexander's irritation. As his eyes caught sight of three of Alex's friends (Laurens, Gilbert, and Gilbert's boyfriend whose name he always forgets), he immediately stared at him in confusion. "What the _fuuuuck_ -?"

"Yeah, I know! They were trying to spy on us! Those assholes! I'm gonna kill Gilbert-!"

"Why would they, though?" He asked as he inspected Laurens' face who seemed to be searching around the room with his eyes for something, probably looking for Alexander. "It's not like we're dating or anything. Laurens always looks at me with hatred, he probably thinks we're banging."

Alexander gave him a soft smack on his shoulder, hiding himself behind his toned body. "Don't say shit like that! _Motherfucking_ Lafayette with his evil plans, I'm gonna _destroy_ everything he stands for-"

Thomas laughed softly. _He's so cute, man, I'm in love._

"Don't laugh at me, you asshole!"

He looked at Alexander and gave him a smile. "Not laughing at you, darlin'. It's just that this whole thing is fucking hilarious, wait til' Jemmy finds out."

With an eyeroll, Alexander hit him in the same spot a bit harder this time. "I don't think it's funny, so stop laughing."

"Alright, _alright_." Thomas put his arm around Alex's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. "Let's go to my room, then. Make 'em think we stood them up, how about that?"

" _Oh_?" Alex grinned mischeviously and gave Thomas a quick look. "...The things they're gonna picture us doing. I'm so in!"

The Virginian blushed out of nowhere. He held Alex's hand as they made their way back to the dorms. _Lord, have mercy on me._

**Alexander**

Alexander was certain of quite a lot of things but this was the one thing that he was certain of... how awful it was. _Keep it in your pants, Alex._

They held hands, both ignoring the fact that their palms were incredibly sweaty. Every nerve inside his body was having an anxiety attack of his own but of course, Alexander kept his cool like he had done a number of times. It was the first time he was going to Thomas' dorm, and as the Virginian pushed the keys against the doorknob he knew that something had changed between them, either for the best or for the worst.

"Welcome to my crib." Thomas said, lazily dropping the keys in the first counter he laid his eyes upon.

Alexander cleaned his palm against his jeans and gave a look around the dorm. "It's...definitely not what I expected"

"What did you expect?" He asked, sounding a little bit curious.

"I don't know...a sex dungeon? An absolute mess?"

Thomas gave a clap and started laughing. "That'd be Adams, not me."

Alexander frowned with disgust. "... _Ew_ "

Thomas laughed once again which made him feel flustered and all warm inside. He took a look around to distract himself from the constant feelings that were trying to eat him alive. Alexander found himself lost in the dangerous strings of his train of thought, but he disguised it as he found Thomas' extensive corner of books that were graciously taken care of.

While his hands felt the leather of an _Odissey_ copy, he started giving Thomas quick glances, he knew they would go unnoticed because of how much dedication Thomas was putting into making them cups of warm tea. _He always comes off too strong, but he's quiet and sweet. He's...my exact opposite._

His head was killing him after the events that occurred yesterday. He blacked out for a couple of minutes and thankfully deleted the part where he hit his nose continuosly against the hand-dryer off his mind. All he could remember was the taste of his own blood, Angelica's voice making echoes that could destroy his very soul, John so close yet not enough to get him out of this dark hole, and Thomas' voice, the voice that sent him back to reality.

John offered a trip to the hospital but Alexander was having none of it. He called it a ridiculous act of self-harm, and promised it would never happen again. He wasn't so sure. He was only certain of how much of a mess he had become ever since he started losing his friends. He longed to talk to Angelica about anything, but she hated his guts. He wanted to have a nice chat with Peggy while braiding her hair, but she blocked him in every social media and couldn't contact her, even on his good days where his confidence shined the most. And Eliza...just the tought of thinking about her turned him into a pile of depression.

But this thing started when he first came to America, eight years ago. He went to middle school with both Hercules and John, who were both wallflowers and pieces of another puzzle, just like him. So, of course, they quickly became friends.

He had a lot of nicknames during middle school and high school: _the bastard_ , _son-of-a-slut_ , _peach fuzz_ , and the ever knowing _depressed fuck_. It was true; the death of his mother had brought him only sorrow and pain into his already miserable life. And things seemed to get brighter after that, more people reached out to him; seeking friendship, a chat, or a piece of mind.

He was quite a flirt, as his young spirits came back to him so did his confidence. He met Angelica, one of his very best friends and the one he would always hold dear in his heart. And then he met Eliza, and fell in love with her kindness and tooth-rotting sweetness.

They were happy together, at least for a while. They would go on double dates with Gilbert and Hercules and they'd laugh and laugh; and he would just ignore the constant lack of sleep and his nightmares, his panic attacks, swallowed then down and be cool _just be cool_.

That only worked for a while. While The Schuylers were out of town because of an important family business, Alexander let his friends convince him into going to the last party before graduation, which was held at The Washington's, Gilbert's foster parents.

He got drunk but didn't do any of the drugs the bastard of George Eacker was offering him. Alexander told him to fuck off and Eacker called him a pussy. _Fair enough_.

It was at the time he went to the bathroom to throw up when he met Maria. He was kneeling, his head buried in the toilet seat when he heard a voice behind him, whispering softly, and tone sweet as honey. "Hey, sweetheart. Are you alright?"

"Yeah," said Alex with a huff, even though his head was pulsating. "I'm just throwing up."

" _Aw_ , had too much to drink?"

"I actually do this on a regular basis."

He could feel her seating down and putting a hand on his shoulder. Affection...it felt... _nice_. "That makes us both."

They became friends after that. Maria was three months pregnant and was just as depressed as he was, so both of them ended up having a lot of things to talk about.

And with their friendship, came the backlash. People stopped talking to him, bathmouthing Maria for not knowing who the real father of the child was. Alexander snapped at one point when he heard Charles Lee call her a slut. They got into a fist-fight and Alexander was suspended for a week and gained a lecture from his foster parents.

And things only got worse when Maria confessed her feelings for Alex. She was already seven months into pregnancy and came to his house shitfaced. She was talking non-sense; about how Alex would be the perfect dad, that they could run away and start a life together. She then threw herself into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Guess who took the pictures to ruin the little-to-none existant reputation he had? George Fucking Eacker.

He didn't bother to clean his name that time. He was already asocial, an outcast. There was no remedy to this entire situation. He swallowed his anger as Angelica yelled at him and ended their friendship with a snap of her fingers. He swallowed his feelings when Eliza didn't even look at him directly for two weeks. His life was falling apart, but it sank low enough when, not a month later, Maria commited suicide by jumping off a bridge with the baby still inside of her.

A voice started to possess him: a voice saying how useless he was, how he couldn't save her despite him knowing her condition. How pathetic. How insignificant. Alexander Hamilton was absolutely nothing.

Three months later, Eliza broke up with him. But his life was shitty enough that he didn't even notice when she was gone. He had his friends, but all of them had their seperate affairs. He had John, who obviously had feelings for him, but Alexander didn't want to drown him as well. He missed the feeling of being alive.

And it had been so long since he truly fell in love, in all senses, in all emotions. With Eliza, it came to be puppy love that wasn't strong enough, so they quickly fell out of love. He wanted something like what Gilbert and Hercules had; together since sixteen, they pleased each other romantically and spiritually. They were each other's missing piece.

Where the hell was _his_ piece?

He didn't want to admit how much he wanted to disappear and how much it hurt thinking about all the things he could still do. _Maybe I don't have a missing piece, maybe my life ends just like this. Maybe I should just let go._

Thomas had been a nice distraction these past four months, Alexander started to get better because of him. His sense of humor was ridiculous and he was just as opinionated as him. They connected quickly; in debates, when the other was having a melt down and they both got used to the way they saw the world without hesitation.

Alexander fell for him, slowly but fiercelessly. He wished he could know when it was exactly that he thought. " _I not only want to kiss you, I also wanna cuddle with you after and look into your eyes, because you make me feel safe, safe and whole._ "

Thomas put a hand on his shoulder and he reacted with a shiver. "You like _Homer_? I personally hate the guy. His books bored me back in high school and they still bore me to this day."

"Not my cup of tea exactly." Alexander winked, proud of his pun abilities.

"You absolute moron, here." Thomas gave him the steaming cup of tea. "I-"

"...How many spoonfuls of sugar?"

Thomas snorted and smiled as if he was the embodiment of the sun. "Three, like you always have your tea, my lord."

His smile made Alexander blush. He felt nervous out of nowhere, like his stomach was about to explode. _Is this what having a big crush feels like?_

They sat in Thomas' couch, which was of a darker shade of magenta that surprisingly didn't annoy him so much. He moved his body lightly, enough to find himself in a comfortable position. Alex stared at the living room and a picture caught his attention. " _Wait_ ," He put his mug in the coffee table and picked up the framed photograph. "Is this you?"

Thomas scooted closer to him to examine the picture in question. "Ah yeah, I was eight or nine...can't remember correctly."

"...You look cute, what happened?"

The idiot pulled an expression of being in deep thought. "I grew up...I guess."

"How emo of you." Alexander replied, charmed by his every move. "Do you still play violin?"

"Yep...I've composed some tunes myself." He commented, making it seem like it wasn't a big deal.

"...Play some for me."

The Virginian started coughing, apparently getting his tea down in the wrong direction. "W-what now?"

Alex rolled his eyes, moving his body to be a little closer to his. "You heard me. Play some for me."

Thomas looked at him with soft dumbfonded expression across his face. "S-sure. Gimme a minute."

As Thomas left, everything went quiet. Alexander could hear the rain falling down against the valcony of the dorm and pretty much everywhere outside. He gave a look around, finding out that he and Thomas liked the same pieces of literature and music. He felt cosy and welcomed. He gave a sigh of relief, actually starting to feel sleepy. Not because he was bored, but because he had so much fun with Thomas that it tired him. That never used to happen before, or well, he didn't remember very well what it felt like.

He heard Thomas' footsteps getting closer so he sat down in the sofá once again and finished his tea. "I'm ready for your concerto, Sir Thomas."

"Oh please, do you ever shut up?"

Alex smirked at stared at him with flirty eyes. "I'll shut up if you make me."

_Stop flirting with him, it's useless. Why would he like you, anyway? What's there to like?_

"Fine, I'll just play. But don't laugh at me, Alexander, I'm a bit rusty."

He pressed his index finger against his lips which made Thomas' eyes roll. It took the man a minute, but after he started playing, Alex went into a blissful state that consisted of staring at him with longing, and listening to the melody that made every single one of his muscles relax. By the time Thomas was done, Alexander stood up and clapped, much to his surprise. "That was... _mind-blowing_. You composed that?"

" _Y-yeah_...what? You like it?"

"Hell yeah, I do. Does it have a name?"

Thomas scratched the back of his neck. _Shit, I made him anxious_. "You."

"Sorry, what?"

"The song, I mean...it's called ' _You_ ' "

They both stayed quiet for a moment. "Oh...sorry. Was it for someone you liked or something?"

Thomas cleared his throat. "No, this is my most recent piece...I-I wrote it like three months ago...and I...uhm...like this person, right now. _And a lot_."

His world fell apart as soon as those words left Thomas' mouth. He had every right to like whoever the fuck he wanted, they were friends, after all. They'd never been anything else. _I am angry, so angry at myself. I don't feel too good, fuck-_

"Alex? Hey...are you with me?" Thomas shook him back to reality. "What's up? Are you okay?"

_Fuck no, I'm not fucking okay. I'm hopelessly in love with you and I can't get it through my fucking head._

He stood up and stared at the wooden floor. "Yeah...damn... _hah_. It's getting dark...I should... _yeah_ \- I should go, see you around, Thomas."

Of course, the asshole knew him, so he grabbed him by the wrist. "I'll go with you, your dorm is on the other side of campus, you could catch a cold."

"You're not my fucking father, Jefferson."

Thomas snapped back at him. "No, but I'm your friend, _you prick_!"

Those words hurt even more as Thomas left for an umbrella. He came back with one and a grey scarf. "Here...put it on. You're going to freeze your ass out there."

Alexander whispered a soft 'thanks' and they were on their way. Things were awfully quiet as they walked through the campus and into his dorm. He had the same need as of that one time he tried to kiss him. He needed to hold his hand and annoy the crap out of him. Anything at all would be enough.

They were standing right outside of his dorm, by each other's sides and with a silence that was almost killing him. "Wanna come inside? You can put on something warmer...isn't Gilbert the same size as you?"

That was it. _Gilbert_. It was all his fucking fault. He gave them the chance of having some time alone and it turned out Thomas was not interested in him at all, as he was already suspecting.

"Okay." Said Thomas quietly, fixing his melanin which had become a fluffy mess.

Alexander closed the door behind him and felt sadness arise inside of his body. His eyes wandered around his dirty floor. "...Hey, Thomas... _listen_ -"

"Alexander, are you okay? You seem out of it...How's your...you know...-" Thomas pointed at his own nose to clear his statement.

"...It's better...I had it coming anyway, I did this to myself."

Thomas shook his head and frowned. "Don't fucking say that, Alexander. Just...talk to me,... _please_."

He didn't dare to look at his eyes. His mouth started to quiver and his fingers followed. "Listen...There's something... _I just thought_...that this thing between us was... _different_? But in more than a-"

Then he stared at his shocked expression and panicked. "Know what? fuck what I just said. _I'm just rambling shit_ , like I always do...forget about it...just stupid to think that _you and me_ -"

" _Alex_ ," Thomas cut him off with a cute laugh. " _Just_...fucking shut the fuck up"

" _Excuse me_?" Alexander said, tears already streaming down his face. He watched as Thomas got closer to him and cupped his cheeks with his eyes focused on his own. "What's so funny, you shithead?! Seeing me cry is funny to you? You're an asshole, you know that? _Fuck you_."

Thomas smiled and brushed the tears away from his eyebags and cheeks. "I told you to shut up, didn't I?"

He sniffed weakly and stared at him back. "What if I don't? Whatcha gonna do?"

" _This_."

And then, Thomas' mouth was on his, moving slowing but with energy. He felt warm and relaxed and hugged him as soon as he started deepening the kiss. Safe and whole. _You make me feel safe and whole._

He started to sob into the kiss, holding onto Thomas even closer. Softly, he unbottoned the shirt he was wearing and felt his beautiful and toned skin against his fingertips. _How does he manage to be both hot and beautiful? May the world never know_.

Thomas started to suck on Alexander's neck, which made him moan out load. That was a sign that things were getting steamy. They paused to stare at each other lustfully and in a new found silence that was mostly filled with their own heavy breathing. As Alex's mind was trying to find the right thing to say, the lights went out right after the sound of a thunder.

And then, a few seconds later, both of them started laughing uncontrollably.

They laughed, and laughed, _and laughed._

**Gilbert**

" 'e is not answering 'is phone, _mon amour_." Gilbert said, with a smirk across his face. "They prob'ly figured out whatever it was that they needed to figure out."

Hercules laughed and kept on drinking the apple mojito that Gibert had made him. _Looks like I did my job well._

On the other hand, John seemed constipated for some reason, a reason that Gilbert couldn't quite put his finger on so he decided to ignore it for the time being. "I don't know, Gil. What if something happened to Alex?"

"Do not fear, _mon cher_. I am certain that Alex is with Thomas. And that 'e will take very good care of our _petit lion_."

"But-"

"Love always prevails, my angel." Gilbert cut him off in a tender manner. "Unlike this candle. Though I shouldn't complain, the blackout may 'ave gotten our dear Alexander laid after all."

Hercules finished his drink and kissed Gilbert's cheek. "Yes, sweetheart. Blackouts always get people laid. I'm gonna go, see if I can find some other candles."

"Alright, _mon amour_."

Gilbert gave Hercules a peck on the lips before he disappeared into the darkness. He then focused his eyes on John, who now looked devastated, as if some big tragedy had just happened. "John, _dear_ , are you quite alright?"

John replied with a nod and a sigh. "I should've told him how I felt sooner... _right_?"

 _Oh, merde_. Gilbert made his way next to John's chair and hugged him from there. " _Mon cher_ , you're a beautiful person who deserves nothing but love. You've got to understand that Alexander could never give you that."

"... _Why not_?"

Gilbert sighed this time, looking straight into his green eyes. " 'e doesn't even love himself, dear. But...'e found love in Thomas and that love is slowly filling 'is 'eart that 'as been rotting for so long, I'm afraid. Alexander is 'elplessly in love with 'im...there's nothing you can do  but to be 'appy for 'im."

John was crying at that point and it hurt to see him like this, but he had to set things straight. "How do you know, Gil? _How_ do you know that Alex loves him?"

"Because," he stroked John's hair to calm him down; his anger and everything that came along with it. He debated inside his head whether it was a good idea or not to tell him that Alexander had confessed his feelings for Thomas around a week ago or that even before that, he already knew. Gilbert hesitated for a second before he gave a final answer.  "... _I am no fool_."


End file.
